Are You Addicted to the Internet?

image from thedilbertstore.com

Like most people, I have cable and the internet. Guess which one I use the most?  Yeah, I'm addicted to the internet.  If I was the only person in the house, I wouldn't even have cable cause I can watch pretty much any show that I'm interested in on Netflix.  Yeah, I only watch the old seasons but if I haven't seen them before, they are all new to me.  All I have to do is stay away from Twitter when they are talking about an episode that I haven't seen yet.

Anyway, next to YouTube, I think Netflix is the best thing since sliced bread.  So as long as I have an internet connection, I'm happy.

image from kikiandtea.com

I'm pretty sure I have more internet friends than real life friends.  Does that make me weird? If it does, I don't mind because I've always been weird so I'm cool with it.

Before there was internet, I read a lot of books and put a lot of puzzles together.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to those simpler times.  I still read but I download my e-books or audio books to my Android or Ipad.  I mean, even if I don't have internet access at home, I have it on my phone, or at the library, McDonald's even has WiFi.

image from rockandrollmama.com

What did you do before the internet? Would you be able to live without it?

Should Women Make More Money Than Men?

image from savespendsplurge.com

I was watching this video, laughing to myself.  Women have fought for equal pay for decades but this video made me see a possible reason why things are the way they are.  Most of the guys I've dated have made less than I and to be honest that was always an issue.

Either I felt like they didn't contribute enough to the household or they felt like I was not treating them with respect when I told them I could buy what I wanted with MY money.

This guy does curse a lot but if you can get past that he does have a point, in my opinion.

Pregnant? ~ But I Have the Mirena.

This nearly brought tears to my eyes. Can you guys please help a sister out?

I got the Mirena about 4 years ago after having my son. Since then, my periods have been pretty much non-existent. I may spot for a day or two and that’s it until the next month. The last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing a lot of fatigue and after my manager told me she had a dream that someone was pregnant, I made an appointment with the gynecologist. The last time she had a dream like that, I along with two of her nieces, were pregnant at the same time. I told the nurse and doctor that I wanted to make sure that the Mirena was still in place and that it was still working. They didn’t do a urine test and they didn’t draw blood. All they did was tell me my blood pressure was high, fondle around in my “you hoo” and do a pap smear for STDs. They told me I had a year to decide if I wanted another baby, if I wanted another Mirena or if I wanted to get my tubes tied. A week later, the spotting started and actually lasted an entire week. Like I said before, prior to going to the doctor, I’ve been feeling all kinds of crazy. I’ve been having a lot of headaches and my back hurt for about three days in a row. I’ve been getting dizzy and my right eye felt like it was going to jump out of the socket the other day. I read a couple of articles about the odds of getting pregnant with the Mirena and came across numerous sites where women have gotten pregnant after having the Mirena for 3 months to 3 years. I tried to convince myself that I was just now experiencing side effects of the Mirena but I remember how I felt the last time I was pregnant and this feels nearly the same.

Yesterday, the results from the Pap smear came in the mail saying that everything was fine but last night my lower abdomen started feeling heavy and that’s when my mental alarm went off. This morning I took a home pregnancy test and I wasn’t too surprised when “pregnant” popped up in the little window.

Everyone has been telling me for years that my son needs a sibling and I have been turning my nose up at the thought. I can’t deal with another baby because my patience is getting shorter and shorter, I don’t have the money to pay for childcare and daddy and my dude’s mom are both in their sixties and probably too old to deal with a newborn.

Another thing for me to worry about is the fact that the Mirena will more than likely cause complications. I may either have a miscarriage or the baby may suffer some type of illness. The Mirena was made to do something to the lining of the uterus and if the baby can’t grow right, I may lose it. Even if I carry the baby as close to full term as possible, she/he may suffer developmental damage because the baby is basically trying to grow around a foreign object that was supposed to prevent its existence in the first place.

Now I’m at a point in my life that I thought about briefly with my first pregnancy. Abortion. I certainly don’t like the idea of having an abortion but I hate the idea of having a miscarriage after making up my mind to keep the child. As mentioned before, my patience is getting shorter and shorter so I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with a disabled child either.

I told my dude that if I am really pregnant that I am thinking about having an abortion. He told me to let him think about it and then we’ll sit down and talk about it together. Heck, he can’t take care of the two he has and I’m struggling with the one I already have, adding another, possibly disabled, child to the scenario would not be a good thing.

A Romantic Relationship ~ My Wants and My Role

A friend of mine asked me to write down what I want from a relationship and what I think my role should be. After reading, he agreed with some of the points and STRONGLY disagreed with some of the others. I expected that, so I was only bent out of shape a little.

What I want from a relationship…

Communication
I would like a man that I can share my feelings, ideas and interests with. I mean, I am not the type of person that just complains and whines about stuff for the heck of it. If I have a problem, I want to be able to talk to my man about it without him making me feel like its frivolous. I want my man to feel he can share whatever is on his mind with me as well. I’m pretty open-minded. (I’ll try my best to refrain from making any of my signature facial expressions as he bears his sole.) I want my man and I to be each other’s #1 fan. Whether laughing and joking or engaging in a serious discussion, I would like for both of us to be able to speak freely and honestly, yet respectfully. I am not a mind reader and I don’t expect my man to be one either. If we don’t let each other know our likes and dislikes we’ll probably end up with more sad or angry times than happy ones.

Friendship/Quality Time
I believe friendship is a very important part of a relationship. If I can barely stand to be around the guy or only want to be around him when I need something (or want something) what’s the point? Going out and having a nice time is good, but as long as we can spend some kind of quality time together, I’m happy.

Intimacy
Sex is great! (I’ll get into more detail about that in a moment.) Being talked softly to or touched gently (or roughly, depending on my mood) would bring me to climax a lot quicker than someone just ramming into me and saying “let me know when you get one”. (More times than not, I end up lying to Mr. Wambam and pretending I got one but…anyway.) I like kissing and being kissed. I like touching and being touched. I like hugging and being hugged. Well, you get the picture. I’m touchy feely most of the time. And I like being around someone who treats me like he really wants me.

Sex
Like I mentioned before, sex is great. I like having sex. Some may call it being a freak or a nympho but of course women are usually branded negatively by those names. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman that has a big sexual appetite but hey that’s my opinion. I do realize that the older people get, the less their desire for sex becomes. Sometimes health issues make having sex nearly impossible. In my opinion, as long as the intimacy is there, my sexual appetite will be pretty much satisfied because there is definitely more than one way to get the job done.

What is my role as the woman?

As the woman, I do believe that I should allow the man to be the man in the relationship. I would like to be given the opportunity to express my feelings about something but I do realize that the final decision should be the man’s. Even though this is my philosophy in my head, I have rarely had the opportunity to let this philosophy manifest within my relationships. Most men these days don’t know how to be men which made me have to step up and practically play both roles until I got fed up and called it quits. I believe in supporting my man but not to the point of taking care of him, unless he’s sick. I mean I don’t mind “helping a brother out” but when his needs attempt to outweigh my needs or the needs of my child that is definitely a “hold up, wait a minute” moment. I will respect my man both in public as well as in private. I do not believe in “busting folks out” in front of friends, family or complete strangers. I do try to do things to put a smile on my man’s face. I used to use the term “make him happy” but if he is not happy with himself, nothing I say or do will make him happy. Hopefully whatever I do for him will add to the happiness he already possesses.

In conclusion…

Sometimes I do have a smart mouth but that has come with age, as the result of the people that I have been around and my experiences. If I come across disrespectful that is not my intention. It is more of a defense mechanism. I spent too many years following the wrong people blindly (and silently). With a little time, I can change my negative way of thinking and try to focus on developing a more positive outlook on relationships and life in general. I believe that I am a good woman who has just been hurt more times than I care to mention. I am not stupid. I can recognize a good man when I see him, even if I do have to overlook certain personality traits and deal with some things that I am not used to in order to reap the benefits of a relationship with that good man.

Me and These Dreams

I had a dream about my mom last night. It was as if she were still alive and kicking. For some reason she, Donovan and I were walking to her house with bags in our hands. I'm not sure where my car was. Maybe she lived out of town and Donovan and I had caught the Greyhound there and she had met us at the station.

The house she lived in looked familiar but the path that we used to get there was different from the last time I had been there. Now, I guess I had been there before in my dreams because neither she nor I had ever lived in a house even similar to this one. Anyway, it was an addition to a main house where a big tall man lived.

Mom walked in with no problem, but I had to actually lift Donovan up so he could walk through the door. Once they were in the threshold seemed to get even higher. For some reason I wondered if that meant that where ever Donovan and my mom were going that I wasn't supposed to go. I was about to burst into tears when I noticed the tall man standing in the other doorway. He was just staring at me. I don't know what was going on with Mom's doorway, but I had to back up, take off running and jump into her side of the house. I went over that threshold like I was jumping a fence. How weird was that?

I didn't get to see what mom's house looked like on the inside because I woke up (figures). I do remember looking at her and pointing next door and mouthing that dude was crazy. Mom seemed to get scared when I said that and told me not to say it again.

Now, my head is hurting more than it was yesterday. I remember Donovan crying out in his sleep but when I looked over at him he seemed to be okay. (Shaking my head) I hate to think that something would happen to my son, now or in the future. He's just a baby, only three years old. I mean I had my mom for more than 20 years. She was living kind of foul so I knew when I was about 13 years old that she wouldn't live long, but my baby. I don't want to think about him dying. He's perfectly healthy and has more energy than any child I've ever encountered. He's a lot smarter than I was at 3 years old. I just don't know what I would do, how I would be able to function.

I guess I'm having all of these thoughts because next month, February 7th is the 14th anniversary of the day we buried my mother. She was 35 years old when she died, her birthday was August 11th. February 25, 2011 is my 35th birthday. This right here...

Life is too short, especially if we make wrong decisions that could cause us not to live a long life. Her thing was using drugs and fighting with men. My thing is stressing over my job and not taking care of my body. If the Lord says the same, I will make it to 36 years old and beyond. And I'm praying that my son lives to be 103, but in good health, lifting weights and running marathons.

What Doesn't Kill Me Will Go in My Next Story

I was having a half-way decent day, thinking about my word count and how I was going to make up for yesterday. Unfortunately when I got home all of that flew out the window. I found my TV converter box, microwave and my son’s radio missing. The dressers had been riffled through in both our rooms, but I only had about five dollars in the house so that wasn’t a big deal. When I got to my office, I saw what had happened. My back door was open. Now this same door has been impossible to open since August but I guess the maintenance man forced it open and then opened the storm door to do what he had to do. My landlord said that she would replace my items. Good thing I was paranoid and took my laptop with me for the last two days, I would have had a harder time getting that replaced I’m sure.

After all of this, the maintenance guy still has to come back tomorrow. Thank God and the federal government for federal holidays, because D and I are going to be here monitoring the goings on. Even if I didn’t have the day off, I would have taken the day off. I’ve just got this thing about still having stuff to move when I get ready to move, I’m just funny like that. D is like a guard dog, he watches everything. And he will bust you out, “Mama, what man doing? Man break thang.” That’s my boy.

Since I’m off tomorrow, I will try my best to get back on track. Like my title implies, I may use my dilemma in my story. So don’t be surprised if my private detective has a fit about somebody breaking into her office.