Friday, October 21, 2011
This nearly brought tears to my eyes. Can you guys please help a sister out?
I got the Mirena about 4 years ago after having my son. Since then, my periods have been pretty much non-existent. I may spot for a day or two and that’s it until the next month. The last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing a lot of fatigue and after my manager told me she had a dream that someone was pregnant, I made an appointment with the gynecologist. The last time she had a dream like that, I along with two of her nieces, were pregnant at the same time. I told the nurse and doctor that I wanted to make sure that the Mirena was still in place and that it was still working. They didn’t do a urine test and they didn’t draw blood. All they did was tell me my blood pressure was high, fondle around in my “you hoo” and do a pap smear for STDs. They told me I had a year to decide if I wanted another baby, if I wanted another Mirena or if I wanted to get my tubes tied. A week later, the spotting started and actually lasted an entire week. Like I said before, prior to going to the doctor, I’ve been feeling all kinds of crazy. I’ve been having a lot of headaches and my back hurt for about three days in a row. I’ve been getting dizzy and my right eye felt like it was going to jump out of the socket the other day. I read a couple of articles about the odds of getting pregnant with the Mirena and came across numerous sites where women have gotten pregnant after having the Mirena for 3 months to 3 years. I tried to convince myself that I was just now experiencing side effects of the Mirena but I remember how I felt the last time I was pregnant and this feels nearly the same.
Yesterday, the results from the Pap smear came in the mail saying that everything was fine but last night my lower abdomen started feeling heavy and that’s when my mental alarm went off. This morning I took a home pregnancy test and I wasn’t too surprised when “pregnant” popped up in the little window.
Everyone has been telling me for years that my son needs a sibling and I have been turning my nose up at the thought. I can’t deal with another baby because my patience is getting shorter and shorter, I don’t have the money to pay for childcare and daddy and my dude’s mom are both in their sixties and probably too old to deal with a newborn.
Another thing for me to worry about is the fact that the Mirena will more than likely cause complications. I may either have a miscarriage or the baby may suffer some type of illness. The Mirena was made to do something to the lining of the uterus and if the baby can’t grow right, I may lose it. Even if I carry the baby as close to full term as possible, she/he may suffer developmental damage because the baby is basically trying to grow around a foreign object that was supposed to prevent its existence in the first place.
Now I’m at a point in my life that I thought about briefly with my first pregnancy. Abortion. I certainly don’t like the idea of having an abortion but I hate the idea of having a miscarriage after making up my mind to keep the child. As mentioned before, my patience is getting shorter and shorter so I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with a disabled child either.
I told my dude that if I am really pregnant that I am thinking about having an abortion. He told me to let him think about it and then we’ll sit down and talk about it together. Heck, he can’t take care of the two he has and I’m struggling with the one I already have, adding another, possibly disabled, child to the scenario would not be a good thing.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
A friend of mine asked me to write down what I want from a relationship and what I think my role should be. After reading, he agreed with some of the points and STRONGLY disagreed with some of the others. I expected that, so I was only bent out of shape a little.
What I want from a relationship…
I would like a man that I can share my feelings, ideas and interests with. I mean, I am not the type of person that just complains and whines about stuff for the heck of it. If I have a problem, I want to be able to talk to my man about it without him making me feel like its frivolous. I want my man to feel he can share whatever is on his mind with me as well. I’m pretty open-minded. (I’ll try my best to refrain from making any of my signature facial expressions as he bears his sole.) I want my man and I to be each other’s #1 fan. Whether laughing and joking or engaging in a serious discussion, I would like for both of us to be able to speak freely and honestly, yet respectfully. I am not a mind reader and I don’t expect my man to be one either. If we don’t let each other know our likes and dislikes we’ll probably end up with more sad or angry times than happy ones.
I believe friendship is a very important part of a relationship. If I can barely stand to be around the guy or only want to be around him when I need something (or want something) what’s the point? Going out and having a nice time is good, but as long as we can spend some kind of quality time together, I’m happy.
Sex is great! (I’ll get into more detail about that in a moment.) Being talked softly to or touched gently (or roughly, depending on my mood) would bring me to climax a lot quicker than someone just ramming into me and saying “let me know when you get one”. (More times than not, I end up lying to Mr. Wambam and pretending I got one but…anyway.) I like kissing and being kissed. I like touching and being touched. I like hugging and being hugged. Well, you get the picture. I’m touchy feely most of the time. And I like being around someone who treats me like he really wants me.
Like I mentioned before, sex is great. I like having sex. Some may call it being a freak or a nympho but of course women are usually branded negatively by those names. I don’t see anything wrong with a woman that has a big sexual appetite but hey that’s my opinion. I do realize that the older people get, the less their desire for sex becomes. Sometimes health issues make having sex nearly impossible. In my opinion, as long as the intimacy is there, my sexual appetite will be pretty much satisfied because there is definitely more than one way to get the job done.
What is my role as the woman?
As the woman, I do believe that I should allow the man to be the man in the relationship. I would like to be given the opportunity to express my feelings about something but I do realize that the final decision should be the man’s. Even though this is my philosophy in my head, I have rarely had the opportunity to let this philosophy manifest within my relationships. Most men these days don’t know how to be men which made me have to step up and practically play both roles until I got fed up and called it quits. I believe in supporting my man but not to the point of taking care of him, unless he’s sick. I mean I don’t mind “helping a brother out” but when his needs attempt to outweigh my needs or the needs of my child that is definitely a “hold up, wait a minute” moment. I will respect my man both in public as well as in private. I do not believe in “busting folks out” in front of friends, family or complete strangers. I do try to do things to put a smile on my man’s face. I used to use the term “make him happy” but if he is not happy with himself, nothing I say or do will make him happy. Hopefully whatever I do for him will add to the happiness he already possesses.
Sometimes I do have a smart mouth but that has come with age, as the result of the people that I have been around and my experiences. If I come across disrespectful that is not my intention. It is more of a defense mechanism. I spent too many years following the wrong people blindly (and silently). With a little time, I can change my negative way of thinking and try to focus on developing a more positive outlook on relationships and life in general. I believe that I am a good woman who has just been hurt more times than I care to mention. I am not stupid. I can recognize a good man when I see him, even if I do have to overlook certain personality traits and deal with some things that I am not used to in order to reap the benefits of a relationship with that good man.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Around this time last year, I was getting ready for NaNoWriMo. For those of you that don't know, that's an acronym that stands for National Novel Writing Month. I have several blog posts about it if you want to learn more. Anyway...
I'm not doing NaNo this year for a couple of reasons. Number one, I have three novels in progress in various stages of completion. One of them, I am ashamed to say, has been on my to do list since 2001. Now I've revamped it a number of times by changing the title and practically changing the whole story line to fit what I think someone would really want to read. Quintina Mitchell's story, Her Leftovers, is the book that has plagued me for a decade. From the responses I've been getting to the excerpts that I've posted, I think I have a pretty good story, I've just got to make up in my mind to just be done with it already and let the readers tell me if they like the whole thing.
The other two works in progress are my NaNo projects from the two previous years. Sassy Johnson, the private detective and Cole Slaw, the bounty hunter, have been battling for attention the last couple of years. They both want me to finish their stories ASAP but I haven't because well... I don't know why. Probably because I keep going back to Her Leftovers. So if I can't decide which one of these books to focus on, what's the point of starting another one. Since I like all three main characters, the next book would probably be a part two to one of these projects.
The next reason why I'm not doing NaNo this year is because of my crafting business. It's getting cold and everyone is hounding me about hats and scarves. I've been getting a lot of orders for the jewelry too so my spare time is usually spent surrounded by beads or yarn. It's tiring but I love it. You can check out some of my Youtube videos (www.youtube.com/suzyquzy) and the photos on my Facebook(http://www.facebook.com/susienmccray) page if you want to see the different items I have made.
Speaking of YouTube, I have been trying to document my hair growth since I've been natural. My hair is now longer than it was right before I started growing the relaxer out. My goal is to get it to the length and thickness that it was in high school. I'm almost there, yayyy! Maybe by next May I will have reached my goal, which will be the 2 year anniversary of being completely natural.
Despite all of these things I'm doing besides writing, I still think about writing. Writing was my first love and I will always go back to it (Hence this blog post.) One day I'll slap myself upside the head and complete at least one of these books. If I do it before next October, I will definitely start prepping for NaNo.
Who can I talk to about adding more hours to my day? Mary J. Blige is loving her man 25/8 (25 hours/8 days a week) so maybe I can get 29/12. Just a thought.
To all of you who will be NaNo-ing this year, I wish you the best of luck.